defection

www.mazmarklife.tumblr.com

questions

At what point does being selfless make you a pushover?
How much pride can you swallow before you become pathetic?

No, I will not become that person.

moleskine diaries

I have decided to invest in a small moleskine notebook in an effort to un-digitalise my life. Very recently I was reminded of the simple joy of a free flowing pen on thick crisp paper. It will be full of incomplete thoughts and unfinished sketches, bible verses that resonate with me and bible verses I don't understand; I will pray through it and vent through it; in it I will remind myself of lessons I have learned; it will be my hopes and dreams pinned down in words and it will be awesome.

Thinking out loud

"For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. We should not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother’s righteous. Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you." - John the Evangelist, his first epistle to a Church in Asia, 110 AD

Everywhere there are people who think being good is boring. They equate conservatism with narrow-mindedness. Or sometimes the inverse, that taking risks and breaking rules makes you more interesting.

Sure there are times when rules must be broken, authorities must be rebelled against, and even more so when risks should be taken: When the rule is arbitrary, when the authority corrupt, and the risk worth the cost. But there is little more foolish in the world than to do so for the sake of it - for the thrill of it. Likewise, blindly following someone else's rules is plenty foolish also. But if you understand why you do what you do, and if those reasons are solid and logical, it'd make no sense to do otherwise.

In any case, what I think makes a person interesting is none of the above. Rather, all it is is passion. While it is never too late to change if at some point the path you once chose is no longer the right one for you, whatever you choose to do or whoever you choose to be, and however long it takes you to decide; pursue it with everything you are and everything you have.

"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives..."

unconditional love

"Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. It has also been used in a Christian context to describe God's love for humankind through the forgiveness of Christ." - Wikipedia (sigh, I know)

This is hard sometimes. Especially when people seem to change on you. Or maybe I just didn't know them like I thought I did.

happy is a yuppie word

Sometimes I really think "Are you happy?" is the wrong question to ask. And I'm pretty sure "Does it make you happy?" is definitely the wrong question to ask.

"You know, these are yuppie words, happiness and unhappiness. It’s not happiness or unhappiness, it’s either blessed or unblessed." - Bob Dylan

But I've asked those questions in the past, and I'll probably ask them again. Sort of like how I'll sometimes still wish people good luck when I don't believe in luck at all.

Red and Black the ABC Cafe, Les Misérables (1980)

MARIUS
Red, I feel my soul on fire
Black, my world if she's not there
Red, the colour of desire
Black, the colour of despair...

ENJOLRAS
Marius, you're no longer a child.
I do not doubt you mean it well,
But now there is a higher call.
Who cares about your lonely soul?
We strive towards a larger goal.
Our little lives don't count at all.

ALL
Red, the blood of angry men
Black, the dark of ages past
Red, a world about to dawn
Black, the night that ends at last!

Time

What? August already? What am I doing with all my time??

In a blink of an eye, semester will be over, third year will be over. Then all of a sudden I'll be back in Cambodia, back in Siem Reap, back at Anjali and New Hope. I can't even begin to express how I feel about that.

And then I'll be back in Hong Kong for the first time in five years. I bet it'd be like exploring a completely foreign place. One week to make up for five years. Live it up maz.

Then I'll return to Australia on Australia Day. I hope I'll learn something while I'm gone. I hope I come back a different person.

tradition

The great thing about traditions is that it somehow brings together the past, present and future. You'll always be recalling all those times over the past x years you've crashed on that couch, and how you'd realise you're doing exactly the same thing but just in a different beach house this summer, and there's always those moments when you let yourself imagine what you'll be doing differently (or what you would do again) next time.

Traditions also always have an origin story: When somebody has a great idea and the initiative to actually go through with it and you all realise fairly quickly that it's freaking awesome. It's great for bringing people together, and for keeping them together with this collective memory. I was really happy when I learned that Pei remembers getting embarrasingly lost with me the first time we visited Liberty Grove. It was terrible at the time and we missed multiple trains, but hey, it's our memory.

The sky was open tonight again, and on my way home from church I decided to pull over at the look out I always wanted to pull over at, and stargaze. There were lights on the horizon although I don't know where from. Dots of orange, white, and blue that shimmered as if they were projected on water. It was pretty beautiful, but nothing compared to the lights above the horizon. Whenever I look up at a sky like that the scene in Lion King plays in my mind where Timon and Pumba speculate on what stars are. Hilarious.

The stars were perfectly random across the sky, and the longer I stayed out there, the more stars appeared. I went out there to think and figure things out but for a fair amount of time all I could think about was the sheer beauty and magnitude of it all. How distracting. But the cold air was sweet, the grass soft, and the moon bright. And I thought about life and love and why. I thought about God, the universe, and me. And I thought about how it'd be totally awesome if I did this every Tuesday night on my way home from church.

wisdom?

shaz: don't set impossible expectations slash goals for urself
shaz: u'll just fall short and be disappointed
mazmark: but does this mean
mazmark: i dont aim for that?
shaz: not for the impossible
shaz: no
shaz: like.......
shaz: one wise person
shaz: once told me
shaz: and i ahve this quote
shaz: printed
shaz: and like im looking at it right now
shaz: "if u pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it and if u improve on
the present what comes later will also be better"
shaz: btw the wise person was u
shaz: not sure where u got the quote from
shaz: but
shaz: its a good one
shaz: so like..
shaz: live in the present
shaz: be the best person u can be
shaz: in whatever situations
shaz: arise
shaz: on a minute to minute basis

mm that'd be from The Alchemist. Perhaps I need to read that book again.

a sucker for the stars

I am such a sucker for the stars. Well I can never get enough of the sky in all its guises but a starry night sky trumps it all, and if I'm feeling particularly demanding I'll have it with a dash of light cloud and a full moon. I'm both disappointed and pleased that photographs never do the real thing justice.

But I'm always more pleased than disappointed.

wisdom in anger

It feels like a haze that stops you from thinking clearly. The obstruction is so suffocating it seems almost tangible. It takes more effort than it should to hold your tongue and it is oh so tempting to just unload and damn the consequences. Yet silence never equates to inaction and you just hope that your self control is not misunderstood. Then those damning thoughts start persuading you that you're right, that you're entitled, that it's not worth the effort. But some better part of you speaks up, and it gets louder and louder until you fish out your bible and desperately flick to page xii, 'WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT...' guidance. But these verses you knew. Page xi, 'WHERE TO FIND HELP WHEN YOU ARE...' angry? anxious? upset?

But surely this is not how you read the word of God. And you close the book, you shut your eyes, and you pray. And then suddenly you think, Wow, you are the all powerful Lord of the universe, yet can I be tempted and troubled by anything less trivial than this?

So you slap yourself, give your head a shake, and remember the two simple commandments upon which depend all the law and the prophets. And for a short time, you are thinking clearly again.

Australia

As of 9th July 2009, 7 out of the top 10 most read articles in smh.com is to do with sport.
4 out of that 7 is on the Ashes.

I love this country.

6 months of piano accompaniment

6 months of piano accompaniment just handed over in fifty, twenty, and ten dollar notes.
I was told it would be painful, but the satisfaction of achieving a long term goal is way way awesome.
=)

If sinners be damned

"If sinners will be damned, at least let them leap to hell over our bodies. And if they will perish, let them perish with our arms around their knees, imploring them to stay. If hell must be filled, at least let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go there unwarned and unprayed for."
- C.H. Spurgeon.

to do list

• Rejuvenate
• Clean my room
• Catch up with my Rusians
• Cycle regularly
• Finish reading 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel and Kings
• Shoot a music video with Dougy
• Play Okami
• Finalise passports, flights, accommodation, insurance, visas for Cambodia
• Catch up with Kim San
• Oxfam
• Learn how to cook stuff
• Rejuvenate

life is wonderful by jason mraz (2005)

"It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a storey
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying"

"It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction"

"And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished"

i am going back

and i pray that You will use me.

tragedy

I received this email tonight from Kerry at New Hope.

This morning one of our little 7 year old boys Sophearot from our kindy class died after eating a poisonous toad, which he thought was a frog. He is the youngest child in the attached photo.

It rained here last night, so the starving go out and catch frogs, crickets, vermin whatever they can to eat. Approximately 7 children ate toads and 3 are still seriously ill in hospital. One of them is his older brother, but they are expecting all to pull through. Sophearot died early morning, the youngest of four beautiful but skinny boys.

This small fragile boy is laid out on a mat half covered with an old towell, looking like he is sleeping, while his mother and brothers sit beside him silently crying. His father is a soldier, and has returned to Siem reap only for the Khmer New Year and was about to return to the border patrol. His father earns $25 per month to provide for his family.

They cannot afford the funeral for their youngest child, and the buddhism religion believe it is imperative to have 2 days of the monks, family and friends praying over the child to get rid of evil spirits before he enters his next life. They also believe that if he isn't given a full funeral, and the body is just burnt, it will bring more bad fortune to the family.

Unfortunately, desperately poor families normally do not have the luxury of a funeral costing approximately US$250.

However, we will not let this beautiful boy leave this world without helping his family fulfill their spiritual beliefs.

If any supporters of our work here feel they would like to contribute a few dollars to help this cause, please donate through our webpage and Justgiving donations page. Feel free to add a comment.

Sincerely,
Kerry and Kemsour.

Sometimes I just don't know.

new hope

When I haven't been in contact with Kim San, teacher at Anjali, for a while, I get anxious. Oh how I miss them. And then to see some new photos..! Gah.

Spent the past couple hours browsing through airline sites and accommodation, jotting down ballpark figures of how much it's going to cost me this year.

Focus maz.

This is a video presumably one of the recent volunteers produced which shows what New Hope Community Centre does, and captures a bit of the local village.



It stirs up a certain memory.
Between classes one day, one of the younger girls waved me over to her home that was down the road from the Centre. As I approached her, this dog appeared between us and started growling at me. Another volunteer had a bad experience with dogs not too long ago so warnings about stray dogs were fresh in our minds. As I was slowly backing away, it followed, and my thoughts were pretty much along the lines of oh I am so screwed.

Then the girl comes around and casually - almost playfully - clamps her hands around the dog's muzzle.

As I swiftly ran away I realised this dog was protecting her - protecting her home. And never had I been so reassured by my own fear.

last words

"The tongues of dying men enforce attention like deep harmony"
William Shakespeare, Richard II, II.1.5-6

Here is an online collection of recorded famous last words, both fictional and factual although I was really only interested in the latter.

I guess I find it so fascinating because if ever a person is to be honest, to be truthful - be it only as to their personality and not to the content of what they say - last words are it.

And you gotta give it to Karl Marx when asked if he had any last words:
"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"

and they'll know we are christians by our love, jars of clay 2005 (originally by peter scholte 1966)

"And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love..."

I love the simplicity of this song. It is somehow both uplifting and rebuking, both joyous and broken, both optimistic and sobering. Which I personally think is an incredibly accurate reflection of Christian living.

Love - not intellect, not debate, not charisma, not a piece of jewellery, not even actions...

So far to go. So much more to do. To be. For truly, who do I really honestly love with the selfless sacrificial love that this is talking about? How many? Not enough.


"We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord.
And we pray that our unity may one day be restored."

There's a full moon out tonight and it is glorious.

Colors of the Wind, music by Alan Menken, lyrics by Stephen Schwartz

"Come roll in all the riches all around you and for once never wonder what they're worth"

A simply beautiful song, about simple beauty; things that are too often overlooked, things that are often right in front of us or around us, or things that we dismiss because we cannot find a deeper meaning. Usually, I thrive on meaning - on narrative and cause and effect. I am guilty of dismissing things like beautiful photographs with great angles and details that have no story to tell.

And then I stumbled across this song, having not seen Pocahontas for years... Of course I know the story, vaguely, but the song itself, divorced from its narrative, was enough to grab my attention and beat at my heart. While the lyrics get quite specific, the music and the animation are magical. This is exactly the sort of thing that reminds me just how powerful the medium is.

As I wonder what path to take, I realise that there is a time and place for brutal documentaries, for metaphorical fictions, for romantic comedies, and also, for things short and sweet and beautiful.

There is so much genius out there, to be able to make you feel the way you do when you just watch something - such a passive thing...


"You can own the earth and still all you'll own is earth until you can paint with all the colors of the wind."

Phwoar. I get shivers every time.